If an infinite number of rednecks fired an infinite number of shotguns at an
infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually recreate the complete works
of Shakespeare in Braille.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy enough guns to make sure nobody
else can have any either.
American society is a melting pot: the people on the bottom get burned and
the scum rises to the top.
A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.
A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested.
Atheists are people with no invisible means of support.
"We are sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your
phone through ninety degrees and try again."
Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes - cause by then,
he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever you like
"His philosophy was influenced by three famous Greek schools - the Cynics,
the Stoics and the Epicureans - and he summed up all three in his famous
phrase, 'You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and
there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink.'"
"Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery
lectures and been caught fighting a liar in the quad; you will leave Oxford
by the next town drain."
Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota.
If I were you, I'd dance naked in the middle of the street just to embarrass
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley - LSD and Unix. We
don't believe this is a coincidence.
"Okay, everybody in this room who's telekinetic, raise my hand."
If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is
probably just a tool of the conspiracy.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item.
Liberals don't believe they deserve anything they own; conservatives think
they're entitled to everything they've stolen.
Your advanced intelligence is no match for our puny weapons.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum.
This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
Of course it belongs to me, I'm a communist.
"Welcome to Borger King. Your way will be assimilated."
Occam was never the target of a conspiracy.
Quantum Express: When you absolutely, positively, don't know where it's going
or when it needs to be there.
My inner child can beat up your inner child.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have just lost.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
"Anybody who cannot comprehend mathematics is not fully human. At best he is
a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wash, cook food, and not make messes
on the floor."
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
Hey, could you smoke these joints for me? I need to go kill God...
No, I'm Canadian, actually. It's like an American without a gun.
He said, "Son, can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes, but
it's short and it's sweet, and I sang it complete when my wife caught me
wearing her clothes."
There is no knowledge that is not power. I am not wearing any underwear.
Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
ALL FANATICS MUST DIE!
And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear
no evil, for I am the baddest sonovabitch in the valley.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
True genius is actually 1% inspiration, 2% perspiration, and 97% bullshit.
Never trust a cop with a rubber glove.
Nuke a gay whale for Jesus!
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled
So< there I was, tied down to her bed. She walks in with a saddle and a
pair of jumper leads...